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Love and Koolaid Stains

Email me I'd love to hear from you! talulazephyr@yahoo.com Copyright 2005-2006

Location: Illinois, United States

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Most Beautiful Rose

The rose has bloomed
The leaves are open
It has become what it was meant to be

Soon it will wither
Not to be saved
I let it go

Goodbye Rose

Friday, September 23, 2005


We glow and glisten off the wrecks of our lives
Twisting and turning down the line

Through wave and quake
The color of you

Growing is hard to do....

Flower Pot

The love of a friend
beauty of a flower

Dirt, Rock,
Water and Soil

Feed Me,
Light Me,
Keep me warm

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Praying Mantis

I snuck a peek at the magnificent bug on the window and i knew it was a fresh day.

Strong, powerful, majestic bug
Beauty and grace

Sleek and Green
Perched for me to view

You look through me
little wise friend

Our boundries respected
Eyes never wavering

Every aspect of you
so crisp and so clean
So clearly i see
So clearly i see
Today is a new day

Saturday, September 17, 2005


Asperger's, Epilepsy, ADHD, Sensory Integration Disorder, Sensory Processing Disorder, Non Specific Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Austism Spectrum Disorder, BiPolar Disorder... all these labels one confused boy.

My son is 8. He exhibits severe antisocial behavior. It started when he was two. He began having "tantrums", he would bang his head, and make disturbing noises. He has struggled acedemicly although he has tested well above average on IQ tests.

I thought I could help him with therapy until the day he threw a ball full force at his three year old sister's head as she rode past him on her tricycle. I decided to try medication. That was a year ago. He was on Risperdal (antipsychotic) for 9 months until he started exhibiting one of the side effects. The particular side effect causes my son's muscles to tighten and eventually atrophy.

The hard part about this medication was the fact that it worked. It tricked me. I forgot that my son was different. He had friends, he played games with other children without hitting or biting, and he drew. He began writing stories and illustrating the pages with magical drawings that could take you to another place. For the first time I could see inside my son's head. I knew what he thought and cared about. Then it was gone. Without warning, my son was gone.

His tantrums became worse, he started swearing, and he became more violent. I believe that my son's frustration has turned into aggression. He knew he was different on meds. He knew he could pretend to be "normal". His friends pulled away. Teachers didn't know how to handle him. He could not be left alone at any point.

I was determined never to put him through the pain of medication again. I didn't want to see my son hurt. It hurts so bad to have your eyes opened and then slammed shut. I tried natural medicine. Cod liver oil and blood cultures. I was told my son had too many metals in his blood. I got some stuff to take the metals out. It made him worse. He attacked me. Then he turned on his brother. He picked up a knife one day.... it scared him just as much as it scared me. He started to cry and fell to the floor.

Back to the doctor... Please help my son. She said we will try Ritilin. Didn't work. We will try Depakote (antisiezure). Didn't work. Ok mom, we have no other choice...we have to go back to the family of medicines that worked. Seraquel (antipsychotic) started working well. We took baby steps with the med so he wouldn't start the same side effect again. School started. One week into school his muscles in his leg began tightening. I took him off the med imediately. The doctor calls me four days afterward and says, "Mom, I think we should put him back on the med. We can step down the dose and monitor him closely. We have no other med to try that may work. The only other choice is send him to a hospital for a while and have him examined." How do I make this decision? Put my son on a drug that could paralyze his muscles for the rest of his life or commit him to a hospital.

He is back on the meds. We monitor him closely. (The school and myself.) I am getting him in to see a pediatric nuerologist soon. This Dr. might be able to tell me what is going on with my son.

I apologize for the awkwardness of this entry. Its hard to talk about this and harder to proof read.

The reason I decided to share this... today my 6 year old neighbor asked me if my son would be "good" when he grew up. After explaining to her that my son was good and how hard he tried to be "good", I started crying. It hurts so much.

He has the most beautiful heart. He is a talented artist. And he needs help. He will never be cured. He will probobly need medication for the rest of his life. Knowing this I realize that for the rest of our lives we will have to watch my son alternate medications to avoid side effects. Just so maybe he can get through school. Life is another battle. What will his future hold? How can I as a mother be any better prepared? Why doesn't anyone have any answers? How can I care for him without making my other two children feel unappreciated?

Mother of three
Power, Peace and Love I seek

Grace, hope, and strength
I will need

The mantra is not always enough
I am strong but yet i fail

Growing and Learning Everyday
Happy laughter far away

Saturday Commute

I am sending my energy to Chicago this morning... there has been a train derailment. To the family and friends: My heart is with you this morning, let today bring you comfort instead of sorrow.

Most of the people on this train were probobly on their way to have fun in the city this beautiful day. Enjoy the people around you today as you buzz around running errands or relax at a family bbq. Let the people around you know that you care.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Ahh Mistakes

To err is human, to forgive....

Divine does not even do forgiveness justice. People who forgive are often overlooked, stepped on, and even abused. Being an avid forgiver, I feel I have all rights in stating these truths. Forgivers unite against the world of wrong doers!!!

Oh wait a sec.... shoot I forgot we do wrong as well. Dammit, that bites. Ok, ok so we make mistakes. Being a forgiver and making a mistake is really rough for me. First off, I hate admitting I'm wrong. So after I get over that hurdle, I have to make ammends. I fear that my ammends making powers are weak. Two key elements are patience and time. Neither of which I have enough of. However; for things like love and friendship (both of which come along far too seldom in our lifetimes) we have to make the time and find the patience.

The underlying key I have yet to touch on is power. When you forgive someone you have the power. To be willing to admit your mistakes and take your lumps is relinquishing a bit of your power in the relationship. And how can u be sure the relationship will ever be the same? The answer is.... the relationship will not be the same, either it will be stronger or will fail all together. In either case mistakes are bound to happen no matter what side of the coin you are on. To be in a strong relationship, I think, (not that I have been in many) is to provide strength when the other is weak. In other words, when you see the other falling, gently guide them back to the path you know they want to be on. Support, trust, reposibility, and understanding are all more powerful than love but put them together with love and you have a life long relationship that will strengthen your soul.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Naked Me

Mother of three
Peace, power and love i seek

Boundless energy
Season of change

Free to move in my skin
The light is on in the back of my closet

I want to grab the world and scream

You may think peace and power
are not in the same realm
But they are one

To find the power of you
is peace

There is no magic truth to you others hold
the answers are inside.

Power, peace, beauty and Love

A Little of the Unexpected

Today we have a birthday party. The kids are getting ready to go to the nieghbor's 6th birthday bowling party. The little girl next door is my fourth child. I have a strong bond with her. She doesn't see her mom very often. Her mother is very distant from her emotionally. Her Aunt, Grandama and I are the models for her.

I was 21 when I had my son. He was very unexpected but very much wanted. My children are the focal point of my life. It is so hard for me to imagine a mother who does not feel this incredible bond with her child. I want to grab her and shake her. Why can't you realize how wonderful a gift she is? Do you even care that she wants to be you? The pain I see in her eyes is almost unbearable.

I am not angry with her mother, i am sad. I am receiving all the joys from her daughter she is missing out on. I feel very guilty. Trying to handle my own family and love her is a challenge most days. She doesn't have very many rules to follow and does not understand consequences at all. So I treat her like my own... I discipline her, love her and kiss her boo-boos. She is an amazing 6 yr old, but she will be lost one day and there is nothing I can do.